Tag: Self Love

Gratitude, Happiness, Self Love

Five things I learned in 2020

Amanda

To put it plainly, 2020 was ROUGH.

If someone had asked me 365 days ago what 2020 would look like, I never would have predicted this. I never dreamed that I would live through a pandemic that would require physical distance in order to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. I never dreamed I’d see memes of dogs demonstrating how to properly wear a face covering. It all just seems so bizarre, looking through the lens of early 2019.

COVID forced us to take a good, hard, look at ourselves, and our world. It challenged us to evaluate our lifestyles and navigate what has become our “new normal.” Despite the trauma, uncertainty, and despair of this year, I was incredibly blessed with so many lessons learned. If I were to write about ALL of the lessons 2020 taught me we’d be here for ages, but there were a few that were particularly impactful for me.

1. I learned not to take my job for granted.

I learned early on that life is unpredictable, so I’ve always tried to take nothing, especially people, for granted. Like many others this year, I experienced loss. However I can find comfort in knowing that I did my best to express my appreciation, adoration, and love for them whenever and however I could. But I failed to expand this practice beyond family and friends until this year.

If you’ve followed me from the beginning, you know that this blog was launched as a way to help me navigate life being laid off as a result of COVID.

I never thought I would be laid off. I worked hard and supported many departments, but in this case, it didn’t matter.

I found myself relying on federal aid, and it was terrifying. I had just closed on a house and my savings had dwindled. I hadn’t solidified my new budget, but I knew that federal aid wouldn’t be enough to cover my expenses. Questions about the unknown began to flood my brain: How does unemployment work? Have I missed the filing deadline? What if I can’t afford to make my mortgage payments or to heat my home? What can I do to bring in some extra income that doesn’t require leaving the house?

I took a good, hard look at my indefinite financial reality and quickly learned the importance of maintaining and sticking to a budget, understanding my debt, how and where I could make adjustments to keep my finances in check, and more. I found ways to cut costs (i.e. I could take 5 trips to the local dump for less than half of one week’s garbage pickup, wild right?!), and accepted the superficial sacrifices I would have to make.

Gratitude for my job was top-of-mind when I first started, but over time I became complacent and took it, and my steady income, for granted. Thankfully, my lay-off was temporary and I was asked to return just a few weeks later, but the experience was a rude awakening and impactful lesson, and I realized how lucky I was. Regardless, COVID changed my perspective, and my attitude, when it comes to steady employment and how I manage my finances.

2. I learned to take time.

Between being laid off and subsequently working from home, I’ve had so much time this year to reflect. I miss traveling, going to a restaurants, hugging friends, visiting family, not wearing a mask, and countless other things that, until now, I also had taken for granted. I’ll never look at that kind of personal freedom the same way again.

I also never dreamed that I would have SO much time to myself! I will confess, at first it was a bit like a dream. I had all this time and space to myself, and no real obligations anymore since appointments and plans were cancelled. At times it did get lonely though, and that loneliness just crushes your soul. Thank goodness for Erin.

I took this time to practice just being in the moment. I was able to recognize and appreciated tiny moments of peace, familiar sounds, subtle beauty, video chats, and Erin snuggles. I became so thankful for these little moments that I began searching for them each day.

I took time to rediscover things that made my soul happy, like reading, writing, and walking. I wrote about them in a blog.

I took time to practice self care. I was gentle with myself as I struggled through my COVID-induced depression. I took a free, non-credit course about happiness at Yale. I found Facebook groups and Instagram accounts with the sole purpose of empowering, motivating, and supporting other women. I took time to find pieces of me that had gotten loss amongst the chaos that COVID brought to the world. Most importantly though, I took time to breathe deeply, and love so much it hurt.

3. I learned that I can overcome fear.

I was scared a lot this year. I was afraid of getting sick, or that those I loved would get sick. I was scared that my new homeownership adventure would be too much for me to handle. I was scared that Erin and I wouldn’t be a good fit. I was scared to start my own business. I was scared that working remotely would hinder my job performance. I was scared I wouldn’t make it through Sam’s, then Gordon’s passing. I was scared of letting others down, and letting myself down. I was scared that my mental, physical, and emotional health would suffer. I was just plain SCARED. And that sucked.

I’m proud to say that I didn’t let fear overtake me, and I was able to accomplish several things during such a trying year:

  1. I, and my family, are currently safe and healthy.
  2. I love my little home.
  3. Erin and I are a PERFECT match.
  4. I started a blog to explore my joy of writing.
  5. I started my own business; I’m now an Independent Consultant for a Direct Sales company and I LOVE it.
  6. I navigated telecommuting and managing a team virtually, and feel more productive than ever.
  7. I’m not letting myself, or anyone else down as long as I’m doing the best I can.

Don’t get me wrong, some things still scare the living daylight out of me. Some things will just take longer for me to work through, and that’s okay; 2021 is another year to tackle them.

4. I learned to let things go.

It’s taken me some time to embrace this one since I’ve always considered myself as a bit of a pack-rat. I’ve had this mentality that, “if there isn’t anything wrong with it, there’s no reason to get rid of it,” or “if so-and-so found out I didn’t keep this, they would be so disappointed.” I’ve begun asking myself, what good does that thinking do? What good comes out of hanging onto things, or even people, that no longer make you happy or help you grow? Why keep anything that causes you pain, discomfort, or stress every time you see it? Cluttered house. Cluttered mind. Cluttered house.

I needed a mindset shift: If it no longer served me, it was time to bless and release it from my life.

It was easy to start clearing out clothing that didn’t fit and objects I hadn’t touched in years, but items with an emotional element were more challenging. After much practice, I learned that any item that sparks a negative reaction, even if it once brought me joy or tugged at a happy memory, is something I no longer need in my life (thank you Marie Kondo and minimalist concepts). Since I started letting more go, I’m finding myself generally lighter, more at ease, and happier. See ya, negativity!

5. I learned to trust that I am right where I should be.

I know I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again: I trust that the universe is there to guide me to exactly where I should be. From opting to travel abroad in 2019 instead of 2020, to adopting Erin right before COVID hit hard (and shelters closed to the public), things seemed to align at just the right time this year, which makes me hopeful for what’s to come in 2021.

This year was hard; I would be lying if I said I wasn’t happy to see it go. So, here’s to a new year of growth, learning, and adventuring. Cheers!

Gratitude, Self Love

Saying goodbye to a piece of my heart

Amanda

If I had known how little time I still had with my handsome boy, I wonder if my post would have been written differently.

For the last couple years, Gordon has indulged in a warm, sloppy, mushy, mixture of soaked senior equine feed, alfalfa/timothy pellets, and bran twice a day. He could hear me coming before he could see me, and would whinny in impatience as I walked down the barn to deliver his meal. But that morning was different.

As I walked into the barn on June 8, I didn’t hear his familiar voice and I couldn’t see his head searching for me down the aisle way. It was a beautiful day, so I assumed he was still out in the pasture enjoying the sunshine.

But as I came closer, I saw Gordon’s body, lying completely still on the barn floor. My stomach sank and fear started to take over. I dropped the bucket with Gordon’s breakfast and ran, panicking as I called his name over and over with no response. I tore open the gate and with a single, startled movement he stood up and looked at me, confused. I placed my hand over my mouth and let tears stream down my face. I thought I had lost him. Relieved, I went over to snuggle with him for just a moment. But before I got to him he went back down. Something was wrong.

My veterinarian was out of town, so I hastily called several others in the area to see who I could get ahold of first. The first one I heard back from was a veterinarian who had helped me in several colic emergencies when I first brought Gordon home all those years ago. He was on his way. I had also called my mom, telling her that Gordon was down and the vet had been called. She left work to be with me, and it meant everything.

I stayed with him until the vet came. Gordon could barely stand and when he tried, he’d lay right back down. His eyes were hazy and he acted so confused. It was as if he didn’t know where he was. He wanted to eat but it was like he didn’t know how. He didn’t even give my mother a hard time, which he got particular enjoyment in doing. He seemed to still recognize me though – whenever I moved, he’d follow me with his tired eyes. My heart felt so full, but so broken because deep down I knew that I would be asked to say goodbye to half of my heart.

It was determined that my sweet boy had suffered from a neurological event, likely a stroke. There was nothing that could be done for him.

I knew what had to be done, but it didn’t make it any easier.

We laid Gordon to rest that morning, and buried him under a shady tree near the barn.

I don’t remember much about the rest of that day, or the days that followed. I remember feeling exhausted, lost, and empty. I remember trying to eat a granola bar in the front seat of my car, not knowing if I would be able to keep it down. I remember walking across the lawn to my parents house after burying him and needing my mother’s help to get there. I remember immeasurable sadness, knowing that I would never see him, hear him, or touch him again. I remember feeling so much pain, as if my heart, my soul, was actually breaking. I remember so many tears, tissues, and tight chests and headaches from crying so hard. I remember how beautiful that day was, and that he couldn’t have chosen a better one to leave this world, even though I begged him not to.

In situations like this, it can be so hard to know if you did the “right thing.” A horse that cannot stand, is a horse that cannot live. I am blessed because I know I made the right decision, and I will never take that for granted. I will never take the lessons Gordon taught me for granted. I will never take my family for granted.

I haven’t posted in months; it’s taken me as long to begin to function and process this new life without Gordon. It’s taken me months to even think about writing this post, let alone sit down and actually let the words flow through my fingers. I needed time to grieve, to think, to breathe, to move forward. Because I’ll never move on.

I want to give a special thanks to Chris Parfitt of Tassel Hill Veterinary Clinic for being so kind and taking such wonderful care of Gordon (and me) during his final hours. To my mother who is always there to support me emotionally, physically, mentally, and beyond. To my dad, uncle, and cousin who took such gentle care burying him and offering soft words of condolence. To the numerous friends and family members that understood how special our relationship was, and reached out offering their sentiments and support, while also giving me space to grieve. To my friend ReBecca, for the impromptu photo shoot a year or two ago that gave me beautiful & treasured photos that captured the essence of each of us. And, as silly as it sounds, to my pup Erin, for letting me cry without judgement and snuggle without fuss when I needed it.

I was very blessed to have loved Gordon for as long as I did. My heart still aches, the tears still come, but it’s gets a little easier as time goes by. I will continue to miss him for the rest of my life, but I am so lucky that I was given something so special to miss.

Gratitude, Mindfulness, Self Love

My heart horse and the lessons he taught me

Amanda

I have always loved horses. I love their power, their grace, and their faces. When I was 11, my parents embraced my childhood adoration and signed me up for horseback riding lessons. My heart melted when I was introduced to the handsome lesson horse that would change my life as I knew it.

  • Gordon posing for the camera

Gordon was a chestnut brown quarter horse with an attitude, but he was an excellent teacher. He knew when to challenge his rider and when to encourage them, and he did it all at his own pace and in his own style. Gordon and I were both stubborn and strong-willed (which might be why we worked so well together) and loved each other with every ounce of our existence. When I fell off, he stood beside me until I got up. When he was scared, I did my best to be his courage. I felt divided when I wasn’t with him, and my best when I was. It was undeniable that our bond was strong and unique, and that it only made sense for me to have him. My heart chose him and his chose mine.

Now, nearly two decades later, I have no doubt that Gordon is, by every definition, my heart horse.

What is a heart horse? Let me try to explain.

Heart horses are rare and special. Some believe that heart horses are created for the sole purpose of making a specific person whole. They may not be incredibly beautiful, or experienced, or smart, but there is just something about that one horse that makes you feel complete. They challenge you, teach you, and reward you in just the right way and at just the right time. The bond is so strong that sometimes it physically hurts to imagine a life without them.

My heart horse taught me how to be patient, humble, and gentle, but also how to think on my toes and to be tough. He taught me the importance of staying calm and collected in stressful situations (colic, escapes, stitches, and beyond). He continues to teach me what it means to love unconditionally, that change is okay, and how to live in the moment.

While some equestrians will never find their heart horse, I was lucky enough to not only find mine, but to spend more than half of my life with him. Gordon has happily munched on hay, rolled in the grass, and made me laugh at my family’s barn for the past 19 years.

He’s an old man now and will be turning 32 in October (that’s around 96 in human years!). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed when I see his gray hairs or his rigid movements as his joints stiffen with age. I try to breathe deeply during these moments and remember what a wonderful life we’ve already shared together and what we have to look forward to despite whatever amount of time I still have with him. I’ll forever be grateful to the universe for bringing the two of us together, and allowing me to learn these important life lessons that only he could teach me.

  • Gordon with a mouthful of grass

Have you been blessed by a heart horse or other animal?

All photos featured in this blog post, except for the featured photo, were taken by the incredibly talented ReBecca from ReBecca’s Photography. Learn more.

Gratitude, Happiness, Motivation Monday

Motivation Monday: May 18, 2020

Amanda

“If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way.” – Napoleon Hill

I feel that many of us expect great things of ourselves in order to have a sense of fulfillment. For some, it may be getting a degree from an ivy league school, a big promotion, or becoming a celebrity, for others it could be finding a cure for cancer, ending poverty, or winning a Nobel Prize. Each of these things means a something different to everyone, and it’s in no way wrong to want or strive for these things. It’s good to have goals, and if these are yours, I give you major kudos for working hard and following your dreams.

I’ve always felt that greatness doesn’t need to be a reflection of the money, titles, or popularity one has. Being great and doing great is so much more than that and I refuse to believe otherwise.

I’m confident that I will not find a cure for cancer or win a Nobel Prize, and that’s okay. To me, as long as I do my best in whatever it is I’m doing, big or small, I can be proud. And if I can make someone else’s life better or easier by going above and beyond what is expected of me, that’s when I know doing a small thing in a great way for another. That makes me feel great, too.

Work toward your goals and set out to accomplish what makes your life feel good and fulfilling, but don’t feel that doing great has to be big. Like Hill says, small things can be done in a great way, which can be just as powerful and meaningful to someone as the “big” stuff.

This week’s practice

This week, find one small thing and commit to doing it in a great way. Take a little extra time to review that report or add something extra your client isn’t expecting. Be exceptionally courteous to the cashier at the supermarket and thank them for their dedication to their work and commitment to helping others during the pandemic. Do the small things in a great way, and own it.

Mindfulness

Why I’m addicted to competitive baking shows

Amanda

During the quarantine, I’ve been watching A LOT of competitive baking shows on Netflix; Sugar Rush, Nailed It!, The Great British Baking Show, Zumbo’s Just Desserts, they’re all lusciously fantastic and I can’t get enough!

But why do I love these shows so much?

Do I really need a reason to love competitive baking shows? No. But there are definitely clear indicators as to why I find so much enjoyment from these shows.

1. I’m a sucker for reality television.

Even growing up, I loved shows like Unsolved Mysteries, American Idol, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Cash Cab, Deadliest Catch, So You Think You Can Dance, What Not to Wear, Say Yes to the Dress, Diners, Drive Ins and Dives, Pawn Stars, the list goes on (and on). Even if the show was predicable, worthless, or otherwise a waste of time, I still loved following the stories, witnessing (and sometimes experiencing) the cast’s emotions, and being able to talk about it with friends who enjoyed similar programming as much as I did.

2. Food is LIFE.

I. Love. Food. Textures, flavors, all of it. I am in no way a professional (or even good) cook, but I appreciate the creativity and unique flavor combinations culinarians incorporate when crafting clever and delicious dishes. Not only that, but I also adore humble, stick-to-your-insides, homegrown grub. With really good food, you’re senses are not only flooded with the physical attributes of the food, but you can taste the passion, patience, and love put into it.

There’s a true science behind great food, and the people behind those delectable dishes are magicians, which is why I scour review sites, ask locals for dining recommendations, and try to avoid chain restaurants at all costs when I travel (although seeing how chain restaurants differ depending on it’s geographic location is interesting). I visited Northampton, MA to see a show at the Calvin Theatre and dined at a highly reviewed and recommended Italian restaurant, Mulino’s. I was too busy enjoying the absolutely incredible food that I didn’t even take photos!

3. Food is a gateway to learning about people and cultures.

I look for dishes unique to a particular area, region, or country in an attempt to experience what the natives get to enjoy regularly. In New York City, you can’t skip pizza or a hot dog from street carts, and you are required to go to Anchor Bar or Duff’s Famous Wings in Buffalo for (the best) buffalo chicken wings. In Australia, I tried a kangaroo burger. In Italy, it was all about the pizza and pasta (FYI – spaghetti and meatballs are not a thing in Italy, and neither is alfredo sauce). In Ireland, I made sure to indulge in traditional Irish scones, cocktails, and Guinness (of course, even though I’m not a beer drinker). With each new dish and flavor, I learn more about the area’s culture and the people residing there. Just sitting in a coffee shop listening to the locals is intriguing and stimulating in itself.

I learn so much about the competitors and their cultures while watching baking shows, even though I’m not physically in attendance (but how awesome would that be?!). For example, The Great British Baking Show and Zumbo’s Just Desserts take place in Great Britain and Australia, respectively. Often, competitors pull inspiration and flavors for their dishes from where they’re from (like India, from the latest collection I’ve been watching) or where they’ve been. Competitors use ingredients I’ve never heard of and use terminology that is unfamiliar to me, and I love it.

4. I have a GIGANTIC sweet tooth.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s ice cream, a fruity cocktail, cake, cookies, fruit, or any other delectably sweet treat, you will never need to ask me twice if I’m interested. In my opinion, the sweeter the better! Bonus points if it has dark chocolate, which is not only my favorite chocolate, but arguably the best one for you, right? I swear I read that somewhere 😉

Naturally, my aptitude for sweets makes my mouth water that much more while watching these baking shows. The sad parts though: There’s no deliciously sweet aroma floating through the air, and there is no taste testing (this is the part when I get envious of the judges!). Where’s Willy Wonka’s WonkaVision when you need it?

5. I love these shows because they make me happy.

Ultimately, I watch competitive baking shows because they make me happy, and there is no need for any other reason. I allow myself to completely immerse into the show and into the places of the competitors. Their dreams, passion, creativity, and determination are palpable; it’s fascinating, terrifying, and inspiring all at the same time. I share in the elation of those who successfully complete a challenge or win the competition, and in the sorrow and defeat of others as they must walk away. I look forward to what I will learn during each episode, whether it’s vocabulary, a technical skill, or a new person to follow on Instagram (if you haven’t already, give my blog a follow on Instagram). Mostly though, I delight in seeing the competitors’ creations come to fruition, following their process, cheering them on, and watching them grow.

I’m saddened when a season or show comes to an end. Thankfully though, there are many more seasons and episodes of competitive baking shows to help satisfy my sweet tooth and my appetite. Bon Appétit!

Gratitude, Mindfulness, Motivation Monday

Motivation Monday: May 11, 2020

Amanda

One of my favorite units in grade school was the Monarch Butterfly unit. My classmates and I learned about metamorphosis and the life cycles of insects. We watched our temporary class caterpillar pets chomp on milkweed and climb up the side of their butterfly habitat to form their chrysalis. Days later, we would watch in awe as each emerged as a beautiful, delicate butterfly, and we’d released them in the school flower garden when they were strong enough to fly.

A couple years ago, I recreated this project after I found a caterpillar near my apartment. Looking back on it now though, I was so excited to see a brand new butterfly that I completely ignored the profound changes it was going through; they make it all look so easy. It reminded me of a quote by Maya Angelou,

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.“

So often we get caught up in the glamor and glory of the “endgame,” and we forget the importance of the process. Why don’t we naturally love it just as much as the outcome? Change takes time; it doesn’t happen overnight. It takes work, determination, and the right mindset. It takes patience, acceptance, and the ultimate understanding that the process is often times more astounding than the beauty of the outcome. Change is inevitable, but it’s not as easy as the caterpillar makes it seem. Enjoy the ride; look forward to the beauty of the endgame, but don’t forget to acknowledge and appreciate the challenges of the transformation.

This week’s practice

This week, I hope you take some time to acknowledge the importance of whatever changes you are working through. Not only that, but appreciate the importance and beauty of the process of making those changes. With every change comes growth and opportunity. Don’t waste it!

Happiness, Motivation Monday, Self Love

Motivation Monday: May 4, 2020

Amanda

Happy first Monday of May!

I don’t know about you, but April was stressful. Constant uncertainty, negativity, and anxiety feasts on your happiness and your soul; it has tremendous effect on your overall well-being. But this week will be different, because…

This is your week. Own it.

Even if you don’t believe it, your thoughts can make or break you and your outlook. It may not feel like it, but you are in control of your mindset and how you choose to accept things going on around you. Embrace your inner power and believe in your purpose. Show this week, this month, who’s boss 💪May the Fourth be with you!

(Confession: I’ve never seen any of the Star Wars movies, but I’m hoping to change that this month 😅)

This week’s practice

This week, I hope you take some time to experiment with power poses. Although the benefits of this exercise are still considered scientifically controversial, what harm would it do to pose confidently for a couple minutes a day? For me, power posing helps me channel my inner super-heroine. If you feel silly, maybe this exercise isn’t meant for you, and that’s okay! Not everything is a good fit for everyone.

If you do practice any power poses this week, leave me a comment and let me know how it goes!

Gratitude, Happiness, Motivation Monday, Self Love

Motivation Monday: April 27, 2020

Amanda

How about a little love for this Monday?! Karen Clodfelder has a heartwarming thought about love:

As we grow older together, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change…I will always keep falling in love with you.

Don’t we all want someone who makes it easy to fall in love with again and again, and have the same in return? That’s what we’re striving for, right? Not for all of us. I think, now more than ever, we need to remind ourselves that it’s just as important to continue falling in love with ourselves too. Through challenges, change, growth, and beyond, we aren’t the same person we were two, ten, or twenty years ago. Our principles and experiences make us genuinely unique, and we deserve to be loved by ourselves unconditionally.

This week’s practice

This week, I hope you celebrate yourself. Spend a few minutes every day recognizing and acknowledging how extraordinary you are. You’ve changed, triumphed, witnessed, and accomplished so much already; you deserve so much self-respect. Give your insecurities and inner critic a break, indefinitely.

Mindfulness, Motivation Monday

Motivation Monday: April 13, 2020

Amanda

Happy (day after) Easter! 🐰

It can be easy to get caught up in things we can’t control, especially nowadays as events are cancelled, non-essential businesses are closed, and social distancing is commonplace. It’s easy for the negativity monster to sneak in, manipulate you, and drain your energy without you knowing until it’s too late.

This week’s motivation is taken from Roy T. Bennet’s book, The Light in the Heart:

“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”

Don’t let uncontrollable circumstances consume you. Instead, intentionally shift your mindset away from what you can’t control and redirect your energy into something productive. For example, instead of fixating on your inability to order your favorite dish from a local restaurant that’s closed due to quarantine (something beyond your control), try recreating it in your own kitchen (or support local business and get takeout if it’s available). Just like that, you’ve repurposed your energy into a creative and productive response! Just think of all we could accomplish if we didn’t dwell on the things we couldn’t control!

This week’s practice

This week, I hope you begin to learn that we will never be able to control everything. I hope you learn to recognize any negative energy that is brought into your space as a result of this, acknowledge and accept the subsequent feelings, breathe deeply, and redirect your energy toward something positive and productive, even if it is only temporarily.

What is the biggest challenge you faced last week? How did it affect your energy?

Motivation Monday, Self Love

Motivation Monday: April 6, 2020

Amanda

Welcome to April’s first Motivation Monday! I don’t know about you, but weekends always seem to pass a little too quickly. But honestly, being unemployed has completely skewed my concept of time. It is Monday, right?

This week, I want to keep it short, sweet, and obvious: love yourself, MORE.

Love yourself more

If you are someone who already practices self love regularly, kudos to you! It is totally necessary but is often forgotten amidst the whirlwind of living (at least for me). Let’s build each other up so we can be strong for the people we love!

*artwork is not my own

This week’s practice

This week, I ask you that you reserve some time for self love, whether that means getting eight hours of sleep, whipping up a gourmet meal just because, or having a virtual coffee date with someone who brings you joy. Self love doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive, it just has to be meaningful for you.

Already know how you will be practicing self love this week? Let me know in the comments 🙂